People Pleasing to Manipulate
Have you ever stopped to inquire into WHY you people please (if you do)? Most of us are familiar with the term and may even have some or a lot of awareness when it’s happening. For some of us, the awareness doesn’t actually come until after the fact.
One of the key tools in The Kiloby Inquiries, is called the “Reverse Inquiry”. It is when we reverse an idea or belief to find out what, on an unconscious & somatic (body) level, are we believing or needing?
I invite you to try it now. Just step back from the computer, close your eyes, notice your breath for a few moments - then say out loud or to yourself, “I don’t need to people please".”
Then the process is to simply wait. Tune into your body and any sensations that arise as a result of making the statement. Is it true? If it’s a “no” then great! That’s one area that you may not have challenges. But see if there is a sensation or inner voice that pops up, however quietly, and says, “Yes I do.” If so, just notice it. What else does it say? Does it have more words? Here are some possibilities or areas that might pop up:
Reverse Inquiry: “I don’t need to people please.”
Body/Inner Voice response: “Yes I do…..I need them to love me.” OR “Yes I do…..I have to control the situation so I can stay safe.” OR “Yes….I’m afraid they’ll leave me….I’m afraid of being alone”
If any of this hits home, it can be at the very least a helpful insight and at best it can blow your mind. Just this simple inquiry to discover what’s driving this seemingly innocuous behavior that holds us hostage!
And if I know WHY I’m people pleasing - well then it’s a whole new ballgame. You start to see the manipulation tactic at play. I’m giving you what you want, or saying what I perceive you want to hear, or smiling and nodding while inside I want to scream - all because I want something from you (safety, love, control, etc).
And listen, it’s innocent. Ultimately. And if this is bringing anything up for you, I hear you. It’s going to be ok. Notice the tendency to want to beat yourself up. What keeps this stuff in place is a learned experience that we cannot be authentically ourselves, had to stuff everything down (including our rage and hurt and fear) and adapt to the environment in order to survive. We all had to do this in our own ways.
If you would like to explore how The Kiloby Inquiries can help reverse this programming, just book a clarity call with me. I’m passionate about this work and I would love to share it with you.
Love,
Amaya (a lifelong people pleaser in recovery, hallelujah!)
